Again...?

I guess everything happen for a reason?
We learn and grow up from every incident that occur...
The more cruel, the more upsetting, the more hurtful one taught you the best lesson.
I always believe that everything that happen will benefits me in their own way. We learned, we grow, and we understand more.
still....it hurts a lot.

No matter its related to family, friendship, relationship, studies or the society, it actually leave a great impact insides me. I'm actually not a strong person, but i always hide my weak side and people tend to think I'm a strong one. The one that can be independence and can rely to themselves. So I've been left alone most of the time as they thought i can actually hold myself.

The truth is, i cant. I cried a lot and sometimes i wish there is someone that i can rely to too. Forcing out such personalities really make me feel sad. Where i can get hurt easily but people thought i can handle it ( trying to fake a confident and fearless look) In the end i can only suffer it myself.
This also make me became a good listener. I tend to listen to people stories and problems and help them to solve it but when i'm the one that faced problems, no one is there for me as they thought i can handle it and perhaps i even look like no problems at all. Eventually, i also don't dare to seek for advises.

So, there is so many lesson that i learned in the past 20 years and.... some even repeating. Still i don't learn a things and continue to did the same mistake. Wondering why my 6th sense is so poor. While others one is so accurate, mine always 100% wrong. when i thought how things ought to be, it always the opposite one. Same as feelings...i just feeling so stupid. To be involved into things like this.
Why is it the same things happening over and over again but i still dont learn the lesson?
Why that i still jump into the same hole when i know there's a hole?
Why can't i learn to be smart?
Why is it so hard to control my feelings?
Why must things turn out like this?
Why ... is it me to get fool like this?

I just don't understand why that i'm so serious in every single things.
Perhaps its all my fault. Or its the right path to obtain success and .....happiness?

Or I don't deserve happiness.....?